Exploring Self
  The shift is not a thing. It is the action of increasing your self-awareness.

KevinGrey posts:

Greetings everyone. It was nice to find this place.

I guess I’ll begin with a few stats and a bit of personal info. Where I’ve had an impression regarding such without confirmation from Elias, I’ll note it.

Essence name: Conrad
Families: Sumafi/Vold
Orientation: Common
Focus: Political
# Focuses this dimension: 1445 (Unconfirmed)
# of objective meetings with Elias: 1
Intent: Reconciling (read: synthesizing) of concepts. (Partially confirmed. I’ll explain a bit more below)

I’m 36 years old, married to my wife Kat (Essence: Tina) who is Sumari/Zuli, Common, Emotional. She doesn’t involve herself much objectively with the Elias info, though she has had one meeting with him, as I have. I have three children from a previous relationship whom I don’t interact with much of late.

I was born into a non-religious household, but had a “spontaneous conversion” to Christianity at age 5 which my parents (mother and maternal grandmother) ended up partaking in with me. In my teens, I fell away from my religion upon realizing that what I felt within didn’t seem to jive with what I encountered in expression from others of my chosen religion. I began a search then for “understanding” or “truth” that could be reconciled with what I felt within.

At 25 I had an experience which I called an “epiphany” for several years afterwards. For two weeks I was fully aware of a deep connection with and between “everything” and there was a “joyless joy” as I expressed it to Elias that filled me with a deep sense of peace and the conviction that “everything was perfect”. Elias confirmed this as a broad experience of Acceptance and of the lack of separation that I allowed myself. At the time, I had no context for my experience being bereft of an actual religion or system of belief in which to place it. I did not bring myself to the Elias material until about eighteen months ago now when I experienced (for the first time since) many “feelings” reminiscent of that prior awareness.

Beyond my meeting with Elias, where I met Mary (obviously) and Lynda as well, I have not interacted with other individuals in the Elias forum beyond a few posts in the Yahoo mail group and the Way to Self Knowledge forum. So, I don’t really know anyone here objectively.

The only other thing I wish to add is a bit regarding my intent, as promised above.

In exploring my intent, I realized at one point that I really have an aversion to small, or what one might identify as “mundane” details. Even in the context of my life the little details of day-to-day living tend to irritate me. I like overviews and large concepts. Summaries. Tie it all up in a “big picture” package.

Elias explained that I am fascinated with how individual views, concepts, philosophies and ideas contribute to a "big picture" or overview of scenarios, situations, interactions, events, etc. While confirming this however, he explained that it was a “fascination in regards to your intent” Which I read also as “not your full intent”. So, I went to exploring my intent more after my session. For a time, I was frustrated in my attempts to “figure it out”, as I often am. (Elias pointed out that I’m also fascinated with thought, thanks to my interest in concepts, which sometimes de-focuses or confuses me) Then I brought myself to information on the Elias site dealing with Intent Names and how this can be informative as to our intent. Without even really thinking about it “The Reconciler” came to me. I immediately discounted it, as I so often do such impressions. I even began justifying it to myself. “Of course you would like to think that. All of your hero’s are ‘Reconcilers’.”

I began mentally going through the list from my very first “hero”, Jesus Christ, who I saw as symbolizing Reconciliation between God and Man. Then there was Alexander the Great, who Reconciled the whole world at that time, East and West. Constantine, who Reconciled the religions of his day. King Arthur, who did the same, to my mind with Christianity and the Pagan beliefs of his day. In Clive Barker’s Imagica, one of my favorite heros, Sartori, who turns out to be both protagonist and antagonist, is actually called “The Reconciler” for his part in “Reconciling the Domains” of human experience. Neo, from the Matrix who is “destined” to Reconcile the Machine and Human worlds. (And much like Sartori, must do this through Acceptance of his “opposite” and realization of his own choices) Shaking my head, I laughed at the arrogance of putting myself in such company with my thoughts, then nearly choked on my laughter as the realization hit me of just who all of my heros were in their symbolism to me and why that might be. I realized that while it would seem obvious to me that each of these individuals symbolized Reconciliation, some probably see much different symbolism in these individuals. Why do they specifically represent what they do to me?

The lights flickered. “Alright, I give up. Reconciler it is.” So, I am convinced at the moment that Reconciliation of diverse concepts is my intent, though this remains unconfirmed for now.

I will prepare you all for my verbose ramblings that sometimes flit around with no apparent course yet make perfect sense to me as germane to the topic addressed and sometimes cohere enough to make weird sense to others as well. This tendency earned me the title of “Whimsical Stream of Consciousness” from someone on a Philosophy board I sometimes engage when she expressed in frustrated terms that she simply couldn’t follow my “whimsical stream of consciousness” even though she felt in some odd way that it was all applicable. I loved the explanation and took the title to heart.

This happens most often when I allow myself to stop thinking, long enough to write.

I've noticed I often come across as arrogant to others, which I am, though this is countered in Duplicity with, as Elias phrased it, a tendency to discount myself so readily and with such complex camouflage that I don’t even recognize it most often. His addendum of “you, more than others”, allows me to understand that I am in an upper percentile of self-discounters. (I so like to achieve) So, be forewarned that when I offend you with my over the top arrogance, you cannot possibly deride me for it any worse than I have already derided myself. Though, I do invite you to try.

Anyway, this is some of me. Glad to be here.

Peace.


ELIAS: “Now, in this moment, I can create what I want, for I am aware of what influences me and I am aware that I incorporate choices. It is not black and white. I am not hidden from myself. I am also acknowledging of myself and my guidelines, for they are what allow me to create what I want - not that I discount myself in incorporating these guidelines, not that they are bad.”

sylvii posts:

Hi Kevin…welcome! I enjoyed you post telling us about you…..and, I'm hoping you will do a blog thread in the 'Mini-Blog' forum that you can ramble and ramble and ramble ….and, we can read along with you.

Markus posts:

Kevin,

pretty strong introduction, good statement of self … I did read it completly and like it.

But first of all … welcome here … I hope your stay will serve your intent … whatever that is.


While reading your post, I had a few impressions which I want to share.

The beginning of this quote here …

made me immediately think of Sumari (although I looked back and confirmed that you wrote Sumafi) but what really struck me there was that you were using the word Summaries in that context (just leave out an "m" there ). Dunno what it means for you, but I'm a Sumafi/Sumari and I noice this aversion to small detail at times and attribute it to my Sumari element (although I can sometimes become obsessed with details, which is probably Sumafi kicking in).

I've never hear of shift names before, but immediately took a moment and did choose The Communicator for me. Dunno what it means also, but thanks for the ideal.

Last, regarding arrogance, I recently saw that Syvlii had added that to our dictionary on the site and found it a quite nice quote, so if you want, click here … in fact is't quite a nice word in Elias' redefined form.

Anyway, nice to have you here, enjoy our stay!


Markus

Marina posts:

Hi Kevin

Wow what a detailed and interesting introduction , make me looking forward to reading more of your long ramblings.

Interesting what you told about your heros and your investigation what they might have in common. And I don´t think that it is arrogant to identify with "heros". At least I´ve done this all the time, there have always been heros in books and movies with whom I identified myself (I just realized that there never have been female heros among my favorite).

Thanks for forewarning regarding your arrogance . I will be prepared for all perceived offences and I am very happy to know that it hasn´t anything to do with aspects that I am reflecting back to myself .

Marina

KevinGrey posts:

Beautiful. Let me feedback to you all.

Thanks for the welcome sylvii. I’m not aware of ever having “blogged” before, but I may start. Thanks for the invitation. Or I may simply continue to clutter the forums with my chatter. I haven’t really decided yet.

Thank you as well for the warm welcome. Believe when I say (as will become apparent very soon I think) that it is not merely my “identifying with heros” that defines my arrogance.

I originally thought I was Sumafi/Sumari and expressed Sumari to Elias when he asked my impression of alignment. I also had someone else identify me that way before. I love to stir pots and have an affinity/hatred of authority. (That is, I often draw such to myself so I can buck it) It may be that I’m fluxuating in alignment. I don’t know, but I do feel a draw of some kind to Sumari. I’ll have to delve into that at some point with Elias, but I thank you for the impressions and welcome any further.

ELIAS: In this, arrogance — in genuineness — is a genuine expression of acceptance within self, which needs no force of energy. It merely is. Therefore, there is a calm and a relaxation of energy, an allowance of flow. There is no question in the expression of self, for there is a genuine acceptance of self.

It’s awesome that this definition was offered as during the joint session with my wife, Elias mentioned that in compliment, she offers example to me of someone who knows what they want, when I am often confused and distracted from what I actually want while focusing on thought and concepts and not giving myself much “clarity” and that I offer her a “calmness” by example. I didn’t take time to question him about it then and wasn’t really sure as to what it meant later when I read it. Although I do know that I have often been identified by others as someone who is good at adapting and very “go with the flow”, regardless of the seeming circumstances of my life at a given time.

In any case, this really goes hand in glove with what I identify often as my “messiah” complex. At nine years old, I vandalized a Christian School with a few friends of mine, which seemed completely out of character to my usual behavior, which could be described as atypically self-disciplined and respectful. When questioned by my rather shocked mother about it, I blurted my reasoning to her as defiance of her expectations and the “pedestal” she put me on. I told her she needed to see me for the flawed and human little boy that I was.

I’ve already listed my “heros”, as well as my intent which, in consciousness, would seem to be a heavy responsibility for reconciliation since we are indeed reconciling the subjective and objective during this Shift and my own self-reconciliation would seem to be much in alignment with this. (By the way, during my foray into the Christian Eschatology as a child, I became convinced in a Mid-Tribulation “Rapture”, but that though “Saved” I would not be going in that rapture and would instead be one of the “Saints” who was going to assist others in getting through the Tribulation.)

I am indeed Neo trying to Accept Smith.

All my life, those close to me told me how “special” I was in one way or another. My mother never doubted it, even when I acted out as given and insisted I was meant to do something momentous. She insisted against all protestations that she was put on this earth only to see to my emergence and she died stating on her deathbed that she was “free to go….you don’t need me anymore.” Which I, through my discounting, put down to maternal bias. Two close friends I’ve had most of my life have always insisted I should be giving lectures or offering “spiritual” or “life” guidance to others. A girl I walked home from school with when we were eight-years-old used to tell me I should be counseling others. Something I now consider a strange statement from an eight-year-old to an eight-year-old. In my intimate relations, I have received much of the same, culminating in my current wife who claims to have found the purpose of her life upon meeting me. Namely, to get me “into the world” in such a way that I can impact it in some way even she can’t really describe, yet feels to her bones.

When I was seventeen and taking a break from the Army to visit some friends at home in Florida, I was introduced to a woman at a party who was in her late 30s. After some party talk back and forth, she suddenly started to exclaim how “cocky” and “arrogant” I was in a way that seemed part offended and part dazzled. She continued to speak on this loudly, while I shrugged and continued to express myself. Then she suddenly pulled me aside and begged me to come to her house and speak with her son, who was seventeen also. “You need to speak to him so he can understand what life is really about.” I was a bit startled. “What’s his problem?” With further questioning I found out that he was a straight “A” student, Captain of his wrestling team and had been accepted at four different universities already. I was a bit taken back. “What is it exactly you think I can teach someone who has all of this going for them?” I had dropped out of school and joined the Army with a distinct lack of prospects for my life. My Army career was hanging by a thread due to my bucking of authority and I ended up escaping with a “General Discharge” after a stint in jail for going AWOL and a Court Martial that saw two officers of my unit demoted and two Non-Coms fired. (I refused orders to fire improper ordinance that almost killed my platoon after those orders were carried out anyway against my judgement by my Platoon Leader. I was court martialed for going AWOL after the incident, which brought the incident to others attention. I was discharged with pre-trial “Time Served” for the AWOL.) Yet she was convinced after a couple of hours of rather bold conversation on my part that I could educate her son as to the purpose and approach to life. Nothing I told her of myself, however honestly, could shake her from this feeling. At the time, I was scheduled to return to my unit in the midst of all that was happening there and didn’t have time to meet her son.

In any case, this is the expression I continue to pull to myself. When I am in that “cocky” and “arrogant” frame I can do anything and everyone around me knows it to their bones. Which seems to backlash into me backing away with my hands up, the reluctant hero who can’t possibly live up to such lofty expectations and the responsibility I place on myself. “I’m nothing, nobody, who am I to tell you what to do?” At which point I fall into my Jubal Harshaw persona: “Who said I was wise? I am a professional bad example! You could learn a lot by watching me…or listening to me, either one.” Contrast this with the individuals who express just that, lambasting me for my arrogance and I feel caught in a catch 22 of epic proportions.

I am the Messiah of Flies on a Cow Turd. As Salieri expresses in the movie Amadaeus, I am the Patron Saint of Mediocrity, seemingly forever doomed to recognize genius, but unable to grasp the brass ring myself and only from me shortening my arms at the last moment.

At my Elias session, he explained that I’m drawing an “intensity of energy” from other focuses to myself which could do fantastic things if I allowed myself to, but then that I “scatter this energy” through a lack of focus and understanding of what I want to do with it all. He didn’t say at the time, but I now know that it is also through a fear of who I would be and what I would do if I did focus that power. I can feel it when I allow “true arrogance” as defined above in allowance of self to focus it, but it always seems to drive me to fall back into false arrogance or false modesty in order to disperse the stream once more. I realize this must be a fear, but I haven’t yet fully grasped the what of it yet beyond a general fear of power. Or at least, I haven’t addressed to it yet.

Anyway, I seem to be going from some of me to the sum of me.

What are your insights NOW?

Heh.

Peace.


ELIAS: “Now, in this moment, I can create what I want, for I am aware of what influences me and I am aware that I incorporate choices. It is not black and white. I am not hidden from myself. I am also acknowledging of myself and my guidelines, for they are what allow me to create what I want - not that I discount myself in incorporating these guidelines, not that they are bad.”

sylvii posts:

hehehe…..that 'reconciling' would be the reconciling of your 'scattered energy'.

Again, please continue sharing with us. Elias has suggested sharing perceptions that everyone may 'see' everyone else's and know there are many, many different perceptions.

Think about blogging….I'll bet you would be good at it!

KevinGrey posts:

As opposed to…?

i.e. That offering was in response to something you picked up on. A clarification. Or it felt that way to me. Care to elaborate?

Also, if that is the long and short of my intent, where do "concepts" and the "big picture" play into it? Just looking for more perspective. Thanks.

Peace.


ELIAS: “Now, in this moment, I can create what I want, for I am aware of what influences me and I am aware that I incorporate choices. It is not black and white. I am not hidden from myself. I am also acknowledging of myself and my guidelines, for they are what allow me to create what I want - not that I discount myself in incorporating these guidelines, not that they are bad.”

Awan posts:

Welcome Kevin,

Something in your energy reminds me of the energy of my eighteen year old son Chris/Zariir. Chris is Vold belonging and Ilda aligned. He has a strong dislike of authority and at times throughout his school time he had problems in this area. He started reading books on out of body experiences and lucid dreaming in his early teens, is interested in the Elias information and reads transcripts. He is also aware of Elias interacting with him and at times speaks with him. People are drawn to him and he has this desire to assist people within the shift. I would not say that he is arrogant although at times he can seem cocky It has been interesting to find out more about some of his other focuses and to see how driven he has been in some of them.

It was interesting reading your perception of yourself

Love, Dawn

Rob_Niven posts:

Hey KG, nice to see you again

Well, you definetely seem to lean more towards the non-comforist, 'against the system' tendencies indicative of sumari…


But, those tendencies are vold lol
heres the fine line imo:

Vold-"Your third color of yellow; this essence represents the family of Vold. (To Vicki: ‘V’) This family would be focused upon by you as being reformers. They are not interested in the status quo. Their main objective is change. They are not satisfied with elements of existence continuing along the same direction. They change themselves, they change where their location is, they change elements around them, they change societies, they change governments, they change your world! They are a restless group. They also are very, very emotional. They are quite passionate, this being their motivating force behind their changing. They are never satisfied with elements being what they are, for their passion and their emotion runs very deep. They are great connectors with other individuals, for they also incorporate tremendous compassion and understanding."
---
Sumari-"They also are quite independent. They do not align themselves with groups. They do not align themselves with societies or governments or religions. They are your rebellious group. They are the individuals that butt against everything! They are your salmon swimming upstream! They do not conform. You will find, in movements of cultures, individuals who are refusing to conform to the norm. These individuals belong to the Sumari."

There is like a fine line between those two, wouldnt you agree?

sylvii posts:

Kevin, my reply was just my weird sense of humor….

KevinGrey posts:

I would indeed, Rob. I would also state that from those two descriptions I am definitely Vold, rather than Sumari.

Yet, as I indicated, there is still something going on with Sumari with everything I get from there and comments like Markus and you who were the first to identify me as Sumafi/Sumari and my initial feelings on the subject.

Hey, I can get behind any reason to laugh.

Thanks Dawn and thank you for the welcome.

Peace.


ELIAS: “Now, in this moment, I can create what I want, for I am aware of what influences me and I am aware that I incorporate choices. It is not black and white. I am not hidden from myself. I am also acknowledging of myself and my guidelines, for they are what allow me to create what I want - not that I discount myself in incorporating these guidelines, not that they are bad.”

Myranda posts:

Hi Kevin, a very interesting introduction indeed! I am glad to meet you!

A warm welcome, Myranda

Tart posts:

Hi Kevin, Welcome!

You're right about other people perceiving these personalities in a different light. I don't necessarily agree with you in your assessment of certain personalities. But one's own personal interepretation and symbology is what is important, so it is great that you could reconcile your symbols

Your style reminds me of our dear user Alan here. His families are the other way round: Vold/Sumafi.
It is interesting to note the parallels and also the difference in style.


Kaust.

Alan posts:

Tart wrote:

Your style reminds me of our dear user Alan here. His families are the other way round: Vold/Sumafi. It is interesting to note the parallels and also the difference in style. Kaust.

If anyone ever confuses us, just remember that Kevin is the friendly one.

Hi Kaust, and welcome, Kevin, yes, there is something there. I'll say more when I have more time, there's a few curious things.

I am Smith trying to accept Smith.

find me and follow me
through corridors, refectories
and files, you must follow, leave
this academic factory

you will find me in the matinee
the dark of the matinee
it's better in the matinee
the dark of the matinee

-- Franz Ferdinand, "The Dark of the Matinee"

Alan

KevinGrey posts:

Thank you all for the continued warm welcome. I feel so Accepted.

I’m not certain I’ve connected enough with the individuals to assess their personalities. It’s an interesting offering, but something I don’t feel is part of my exploration in this case. Although, perhaps my perception of your expression is indicative of a change of this, or not something I’m aware of doing.

From an intellectual vantage point, there are some simplistic associations I could identify in my perception. But they are general and not very illuminating, for me about them, but very illuminating for me about me.

Such as:
Alexander was a warmonger who thought he could fix the world by conquering it.
Constantine was a control freak who wanted to bring peace to his empire by altering everyone’s view of their religion.
Etc.

Because of my “overview” nature, I don’t believe I delve as much into who they were or what they did as individuals, except as it pertains to building an overview of the symbolism and relating them one to another through that. I can make general statements that seem like an “analysis” of who they were, but I don’t generally try to ferret this out.

Like that, Alexander’s traveling to Achilles tomb to retrieve his shield of the “world” for me is an association with a figure who was attempting to achieve “Immortality” (symbol) through a name that would live forever. Likewise the story that was lifted from the Koran and transported to the Alexander Romance of a search for the river of Immortality (or life), which replaced Moses with Alexander.

I don’t really see this as indicative of something in Alexander’s personality, (especially since I don’t think he did these things, in any event, but rather they were grafted onto him) so much as an influence that seems to be a part of this particular hero symbolism. Christ and the Resurrection. King Arthur and the Holy Grail. Etc. In this particular symbolism, I would identify it now as the Quest for what one already has, but isn't aware of having. Immortality. An ideal of self that is eternal.

It may have been a part of his “personality” to do this, which is why the stories are appropriate, but I don’t feel my approach really tries to dissect this. Who they were, isn’t as important to me as what they represent.

Exactly. Especially in the recognition that the reconciliation, though abstractly represented in the synthesizing or awareness of the lack of separation between these figures, actually took place in the reconciliation between “what I see” and “who I am”. At least in this particular.

Ahhh, a connection to explore. Thanks. I’ve been getting a lot of those lately it seems.

Speaking of which:

Ahhh, the Friendly One. Yes, I like that. Almost as much as Whimsical Stream of Consciousness.

Belief system alert: Friend is good.

The associations/influences: In relationships friends are “chosen”. “You can’t choose your family.” “You can’t choose who you fall in love with.” “You can and do choose your friends.”

In friendship, there seems more of an allowance of those things that one might not accept of themselves (directly or through reflection) in the context of any other relationship. A freedom. Something I’m obviously playing with now considering some other posts.

I’ve been attempting to allow more friendship with myself. I’m not an enemy to conquer, but a friend to get to know.

It must be working.

Ahhh, very cool. I never have enough curious things to play with.

Peace.